In which we wangst over Santa Claus. {First spork for the Peanut Gallery!}

[wonderland_peanut_gallery]

Title: Merry Christmas Demyx
Author: dreamninja (FF.net)
Fandom: Kingdom Hearts series
Rating: Geez, where to begin? The beigest of beige prose, lack of punctuation, defying Santa Claus’ canon existence in the KH ‘verse, OOC so severe it’s laughable, surprise!Leonard Cohen songfic… Thankfully, it’s short.

Full Name (including any titles): Larxene and Demyx, with appearances from Axel, Xigbar and Luxord.
Full Species(es): Nobody and Nobody, with appearances from Nobody, Nobody and Nobody.
Hair Color (include adjectives): As canon
Eye Color (include adjectives): As canon
Unusual Markings/Colorations/Physical Features: A lack of Santa Claus
Special Possessions (if any): Christmas wishlists, the lyrics to Leonard Cohen’s ‘Hallelujah’, playing cards, and new sitar strings.

Origin: Holiday glurge gone wrong
Connections To Canon Characters: A bunch of kids below ten cosplaying them
Special Abilities: They can talk to each other without punctuation marks!
Other Annoying Traits: Demyx is a five-year-old trapped in a twenty-something’s body, Larxene’s Larxene-ness is significantly lacking, the sudden and not at all appropriate appearance of Leonard Cohen’s ‘Hallelujah’ (because who in the heck thinks that being told Santa doesn’t exist merits that, of all things?), THE LACK OF PUNCTUATION AAAARGH.

I Say/Notes: I admit: I ship Demyx/Larxene. Don’t judge me. It’s my Kingdom Hearts OTP, always has been and always will be. I like to think that, if in the hands of a good author, they’d have an interesting dynamic, like say as two adults who pretty much hate each other’s guts yet somehow find common ground occasionally, and are aware that they’re both pretty horrible people but just shrug it off and have some weird, twisted rapport with each other every now and then. Or at least, that’s how I’d see it. *coughandhotfrenemysmuttoocough*

I’ve recently fallen back into the fandom and along with it I’ve fallen back with these two as well; and for laughs and profit I decided to see if there were badfics for the pairing (aside from the one thelectureroom covered last time, that one was pretty bad but quality sporking!), considering how rare it is. And of course, FF.net doesn’t disappoint. *sigh* 

Though, I have to ask… Why are people so fond of making Demyx a giant toddler? Sure he’s a lazybones who complains about work a lot, and no doubt he’s had a good deal of immature moments (as twenty-somethings do), but I don’t think he’d break down and cry over being told that Santa Claus isn’t real. (Which doesn’t make sense in the first place since Santa Claus does exist in the KH ‘verse; you’d think the Organization would know this.) Larxene herself is way too tame for comfort here, too.

Also, it’s February.

Please forgive me if my characterization’s not the best and if my shipper streak’s become too blatant :P, it’s been a while since I’ve played the games and I still have a lot of catching up to do.

(Also, there seems to be some font issue somewhere in the middle of the fic; I'm not sure how to fix it. DX)

 

Our sporking opens in a standard Sporking Theater, ‘THE WONDERLAND CIRCUS PEANUT GALLERY –KINDLY LEAVE YOUR BRAIN CELLS AT THE DOOR’ written in a circus-y font above the theater doors. Management is gimmicky. 

Inside the theater there is an odd and conspicuous amount of Christmas decorations strewn about the place. Axel is already seated somewhere in the second-to-the-front row, feet propped up on the seat in front of him as he idly scans the script.

Two portals of darkness materialize at the back of the theater. Enter Demyx and Larxene, who don’t look very happy to see each other.

Demyx: Oh, hell no.
Larxene: *sneers* Hey to you too, Water Freak.
Demyx: This isn’t going to be one of those pairing fics again, is it?
Axel: *from his seat * It could be.
Larxene: And I guess Mullethead over here and me are the pairing?
Axel: Eeyup!
Larxene: *deadpan* Wonderful.
Demyx: I’m not looking forward to the inevitable zapping and torture you’re going to attack me with while we’re reading this, just so you know.
Larxene: Aww, but that’s the best part~! *looks around* And what the hell’s with the Christmas crap around here? It’s February.
Axel: Belated Post-Yuletide Holiday Special! Apparently Management couldn’t find any timely badfics for you two, so this is the closest thing we’ll get to bad Valentine’s DemLarx fic is bad Christmas DemLarx fic.
Demyx: *thinks over this* But how does that even—
Larxene: *tchs* Whatever, either way, it’s going to suck, and it’s gonna suck hard. Let’s just get this over and done with, dammit.
Demyx: *whiny* Fiiiiiine.

The two make their way to Axel’s row and take their seats. Due to some shenanigans on Axel’s and Management’s part, the seating arrangement sees Larxene seated between the two men, Demyx somewhat closer than Axel.

Demyx: *deadpan* Wow.
Larxene: I’d hate you if I could, Management.

Aww, I’m flattered.



Larxene was walking around the organization when she saw everyone getting ready for christmas the holiday she hated

Axel: Well duh, she’d hate anything that has all to do with happiness and joy and nothing to do with the misery of others!
Larxene: What are you talking about, I love Christmastime.
Demyx: You do?
Larxene: Of course! I absolutely love it when I tell my insecure aunt that she’s grown fatter since I last saw her, or when I destroy my nephew’s Christmas present in front of him as soon as he opens the box, or when I surprise my ex with a heartwarming e-card that infects his PC with a virus that spams gay porn or—
Demyx: Boy, did I fall for that one…

the Demyx ran up to her.

Axel: Rather than away from her.
Demyx: Fic!Me is either in a great mood, or oblivious, or has no sense of self-preservation, or all three.
Larxene: Aww, puppy’s happy to see his master! *scratches behind ears*

"Here Larxene"Demyx said handing her some paper and a pen.
"What's this for"Larxene asked.

Demyx: *as himself* It’s a petition to lessen the work load the Superior gives us, as well as give more priority to recon missions and get rid of written reports forever! We need eleven more signatures by next week, please sign your name and number rank on the indicated line. Thank you!
Larxene: What if I sign it using the blood from your crotch after I castrate you~?
Demyx: o_o *crosses legs, hands hovering protectively over his giblets*

"You haven't written a letter to Santa yet and christmas is tomorrow. I know you probably just forgot so I thought I would remind you"Demyx said smiling.

Demyx: Dude. I haven’t written a letter to Santa since my Other was, what, ten?
Larxene: You were probably too much of a lazy ass to, anyway.
Axel: Aren’t you a bit too old to be writing letters to Santa, Demyx?
Demyx: Isn’t everyone in this room?

"I didn't forget"Larxene said as she started walking off again.
"But how's Santa supposed to know what you want for Christmas"Demyx asked.

Demyx: Trust me, he wouldn’t want to know.
Larxene: *as herself* Dammit, the fat bastard never gave me the serrated knives I wanted years ago!

"I guess he won't"Larxene said.
"Is this because we're nobodies I talked to Xigbar and he said Santa still comes"Demyx said.

All: *uproarious laughter*
Larxene: Yeah right, like Santa would ever want to come to The World That Never Was!
Demyx: Yup! And even if he did, all any of us would probably ever get would be coal.
Axel: Eh, Roxas and Xion might just get lucky with ‘im.
Demyx: Also, I can’t believe I noticed it just now, but the lack of punctuation would probably make Zexion’s head explode, if he were here.
Axel: Good thing he isn’t here then, huh?
Larxene: Are you kidding? That would be so fun to watch~!
Demyx: …actually, yeah, it would.

"That's not it"Larxene said as she tried to walk even faster to get away from Demyx.

Demyx: ♫ Makin’ my way downtown, walking fast~ ♫
Larxene: *as herself* Is that Demyx? Walkin’ FASTER.

"Is it because you've been naughty i'm sure Santa can forgive you and I can write him another letter and tell him you promise to be good and-"

Demyx: *tch* Yeah, right. I don’t think even Santa would buy Larxene promising to be “good”.
Larxene: I’ve always been a little bit naughty.
Demyx: *scoffs, smirks* A little bit?
Larxene: Like you would know that, wouldn’t you?
Axel: *snickers* Just make out already, would you?
Larxene: *zaps and knives with extreme prejudice*
Axel: Ow, FUCK! *Potion*

Larxene finally snaps! SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL?! OMG NO WAI!!

Then he ran off and left Larxene standing there.

Demyx: ♫ Now I’ll never dance with another, whoo! Since I saw her standing there~! ♫
Larxene: *snerk* I bet you can’t even dance.
Demyx: Can too!

Demyx ran past Luxord,Axel,and Xigbar who were all playing cards.

Demyx: They turned into playing cards?
Axel: *as himself* Dammit Luxord, it’s not funny anymore!
Larxene: *as Luxord* Actually, it's bloody hilarious.
Demyx: *snerk*

"What's his problem"Xigbar asked.

Demyx: *as himself* I’m stuck in a badfic, duh!

"Who knows"Luxord said dealing out the cards.

Demyx: *as himself* Did you guys even hear me the first time?
Larxene: Nah, they’re too busy being royal flush to notice.
Demyx and Larxene: *Pffft!*
Axel: Nah, clearly I was too busy painting the white roses red to hear the sound of a certain mulletman whining again.
Demyx: Hey!

"I'm gonna go check on him"Axel said getting up and following Demyx.

Larxene: Aww, would you look at that! Axey-Waxy’s going out of his way to check on poor widdle Demmy-Wemmy! Isn’t that just the cutest?
Demyx: *snerk* Actually, I dyed my hair into a sunshine blond color and styled my hair like Roxas’. That’s why he suddenly cares about me!
Larxene: *cackles* Ooh, better be careful, Demyx! He might just want to have surprise shotacon buttsex with you now!
Demyx and Larxene: AHAHAHAHAHA *high-five*
Axel: Aaaand just for that, you’re both on my hit list.

Demyx is angsting in his room with his sitar!

"Demyx what's wrong"Axel asked.

Axel: *as himself* Demyx? *knocks* ♫ Do you wanna build a snowman~? ♫

"It's nothing"Demyx said as a tear slipped down his cheek.

Demyx: *as himself* I just finished Saikano and now it’s manly-raining on my face.

"You better not cry after all Santa's coming tonight"Axel said thinking that would cheer Demyx up.

Demyx: But all I’ll get is a lump of coal! How’s that supposed to cheer me up?!

Instead they had the opposite effect and he seemed to become even more depressed.

Axel: *as himself* ♫ Do you wanna build a snowman? It doesn’t have to build a snowman~ ♫
Demyx: *as himself* Go away, Axel.
Axel: *as himself* ♫ Screw you too~! ♫

"I know he's not real"Demyx said.

Demyx: Uh, yes he is. He’s alive and well and living in Christmas Town as we speak. Come on, fic!me, you did recon there once! You should know that!
Larxene: I wonder why Xemnas never sent me to Christmas Town. Frying the elves and crushing the holiday spirit would’ve been so much fun.

"Who told you a lie like that"Axel asked trying to hide his anger.

Axel: We’ll give you three guesses, and the first two don’t count.
Demyx: *shrugs* I wouldn’t put it past Xigbar to though, honestly.

Larxy’s a lying poopyhead!

"But she wouldn't lie. She may be mean and grouchy but she wouldn't lie to me"Demyx said.

Demyx: *snort* Bull. Fucking. Shit. Larxene would lie to anyone, if it means she gets to fuck ‘em up more than she already would.
Larxene: Oh, but didn’t you know? That little witch really was Sora’s special childhood friend! The whole mission at Castle Oblivion was really just a noble attempt by Marluxia and me to reunite them and make everyone super happy again!
Demyx: Ohh, sure. And I guess that one time you told me the mysterious green bottle in that crazy dinosaur lady’s mad scientist laboratory was a Hi-Potion really wasn’t just you wanting to see me transform into a lizard for your own sick entertainment?
Larxene: *mocks stroking Demyx’s chin* Aww, you know me so well, Demmy-kins~!
Axel: *snerk* So are you two gonna start having hate-sex in the Sporking Theater now? I want front row sea—
Demyx: *gets up and bludgeons Axel over the head with his sitar*
Axel: Ow, SHIT!
Larxene: Hey! I wanted to inflict severe bodily harm on him, jerkass!
Demyx: You already had your turn. *examines sitar* There better not be dents on this…
Axel: *grumbles and uses Potion on self*

"Well maybe you just misunderstood her"Axel said trying to cheer Demyx up.

Axel: Again with the button-pushing, I see.
Larxene: *holds kunai to Demyx’s throat* Demyx, sweetie, do you remember the last time you tried that...?
Demyx: Geez, Larxene! I already apologized for that, like, many times already!
Larxene: Good! ‘Cause I don’t give a damn anyway! *zaps him with extreme prejudice*
Demyx: Oww! Hey, I defended you earlier, you witch! *uses Hi-Potion on self*
Larxene: Doesn’t matter, you’re still an idiot.
Axel: *mildly amused* They never learn, do they?

"No I heard her right"Demyx said.

Axel: As supposed to hearing her left.
Demyx: Larxene left?
Larxene: *as herself* Surprise, bitch! I bet you thought you saw the last of me.
Demyx: *shudders*

"Well how about I just go talk to her and we can sort this whole thing out"Axel said smiling at Demyx even though inside he was furious.

Axel: Nah, actually I was laughing my ass off on the inside.

Once he was out the door he rushed back to where Luxord and Xibar were.

Larxene: Oooh, Orgy Sue alert!
Axel: Gee, I wonder what unique hair colors and abilities this “Xibar” has!
Demyx: Platinum blonde hair the color of summer wheatfields with hot pink highlights, wields the other half of the Χ-Blade, commands the element of plastic, and is totes in love with Xigbar!
All: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*portal opens* *Sharpshooter pops up and shoots at all three sporkers* *portal closes*
Larxene: Well fuck you too, old man!
Axel: *sniggering* That was so worth it.
Demyx: *sighs, Hi-Potions everyone*

Then he saw her next to them playing poker and he went off.

Demyx: There he goes, speeding down the track!
Larxene: Pfft, Axel the Hedgehog.
Demyx and Larxene: *ROFLMAO*
Axel: Yeah, yeah, gotta go fast, shut up about my hair already.

"What the hell is your problem"Axel yelled at Larxene.

Axel: *as himself* I’m not yelling, you’re yelling.
Demyx: Because all caps and exclamation points are too mainstream.
Larxene: Ugh, hipsters. Let’s spike their Starbucks lattes with broken glass.

"What's gotten you so worked up"Xigbar asked.
"I found out what was wrong with Demyx"Axel said still glaring at Larxene.

Larxene: *as Axel* He has herpes.
Demyx: Fuck you too, Larxene.

"What"Luxord asked.
"Larxene told him Santa wasn't real"Axel said.

Axel: Despite all evidence otherwise.
Demyx: *as Larxene* Oh, that guy? It’s just a crazy hobo in red pajamas and a gnome hat. Santa’s not real, I killed your pet goldfish and your parents don’t really love you. Merry Christmas, Virginia.

"Why"Xigbar asked Larxene.

Larxene: *shrugs* Why not?
Demyx: Number XII’s moral code, everyone.

"He had the right to know"Larxene said shrugging her shoulders.
"You ruined his christmas"Axel spat.

Demyx: Okay, what the hell? I’m not five-years-old, author. It’s not gonna be the end of the worlds if someone told me at my current age that Santa Claus doesn’t exist. Forgetting that Santa Claus actually does exist in our ‘verse, which makes your premise moot, but that’s beside the point. I’d like it if fic authors would stop treating me like a little kid whose widdle feelings need to be protected all the time, thank you very much! This is just stupid.
Larxene: Normally I enjoy watching people suffer reading their bad characterization, but this is just fucking annoying.
Demyx: Like you’re any better in the IC department here.
Larxene: *snorts* True. *hurls kunai at the screen*
Screen: *It’s not very effective…*

"Did you just want me to lie to him"Larxene asked.

Larxene: It would be fun!
Demyx: My world has not fallen into darkness yet, thank you very much!
Larxene: Oh boo-hoo, are you still sore over that?  Cry me a river, Water Freak.
Demyx: *hmph*

"You could have at least picked a better time to tell him then christmas eve"Xigbar said.

Axel: Yeah! You could’ve at least told him on his birthday or something! C’mon, Larxy, step up your game!
Larxene: Aww, but crushing children’s hopes on the day itself is more effective!
Demyx: I’m not a child! I already said that! It’s fic!me who hasn’t left kindergarten yet!

"I don't have to sit here and listen to your lectures"Larxene said

Larxene: You’re absolutely right, fic!me! *gets up*
Demyx: *stops* Uh, Larxene? This is a sporking theater, remember?
Larxene: …UGH. *sits down, mutters* I hate everything.
Axel: Lectures? Am I in the Lecture Room again?!

before going to her room. She smiled when she heard Demyx playing a song.

Larxene: I wouldn’t exactly call it smiling…
Demyx: *nudges* Aww, you like some of my stuff, admit it.
Larxene: *glare* And if I don’t?
Demyx: *shrugs* Dunno. *grins* Guess I’ll just have to find out the truth myself! *strums sitar*
Axel: *puts hands on sitar* Demyx. For the sanity of everyone involved, as well as for your continued non-existence… DON’T.
Demyx: :(
Larxene: I don’t know whether to thank you or knee you in the balls.
Axel: Leave it, lady. I don’t feel like watching you dance along to anything either.
Larxene: *elbows in the gabba*
Axel: YEOWCH! Fuckin’ HELL! You bitch!
Larxene: Yes, we know that one. Anything else, you backstabbing piece of shit?
Axel: You’re still not over that?!  It’s been how many games now!
Demyx: *awkwardly hands Axel a Potion*

Axel was wrong Demyx is fine he's playing music like usual.

Axel: Like he does anything else.
Demyx: Like I’d want to do anything else!
Axel: Ohh-ho-ho, are you sure? ‘Cause so far I’ve seen it seems you and Sparky here would—
**WATER+ELECTRICITY COMBO IS SUPER-EFFECTIVE!**
Larxene: …I can’t believe I just helped you.
Demyx: Eh, common enemy? *shrug*
Larxene: Whatever, never helping you again.
Axel: *cough* Dammit, where’s Roxas and Xion when you need ‘em? *out of Potions*

I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played and it pleased the Lord

*RECORD SCRATCH*
Demyx: …wait, what? What the hell is Leonard Cohen doing here?!
Axel: I believe you’re the one singing this, Demyx.
Demyx: But… why am I singing it?
Larxene: *cackling* Oh, you poor baby! Did I hurt your widdle feefees about Santa Claus so hard that you’re angsting to Halle-freaking-lujah? You’re such a drama queen! *mad giggling*
Demyx: *facepalms* Maaaan, why did Nomura have to make me look cute…?
Axel: Dude, I’d comfort you and all, but the schadenfreude is just too strong and delicious.
Demyx: Fuck you too, Axel.

For the sake of everyone involved, we’re snipping the rest of the lyrics. Apologies to Mr. Cohen.

Demyx: Mr. Famous Blue Raincoat is spinning in his grave.

Once the song was over Larxene felt more guilty than ever before.

All: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

That moment she decided she was gonna make it up to Demyx.

Larxene: *as herself* Here, have a bottle of poison to put a slow and painful end to your Santa-induced misery. Merry Christmas!
Demyx: *deadpan* Love you too, Larxene.

The next morning it was silent which was unusual since Demyx was usually cheerfully running through the halls.

Axel: And here we witness, via flashback, the return of DemykinsOMGWTFBBQVCR, in his full Technicolor sugar-high glory!
Demyx: I thought we already killed my Gutless!

"Demyx wake up it's christmas"Larxene said trying her best to sound excited.

Larxene: *as herself* Time to make Aunt Joan hate herself even more than last year!

"It doesn't matter Santa didn't come"Demyx said.
"Are you sure there's a big present under the tree with your name on it"Larxene said.

Axel: *as Larxene* I got it from Heartless-infested Christmas Town! Enjoy your new Toy Soldier, loser!
Demyx: *mutters* Stupid little jerks in their stupid little boxes with their stupid muskets.

"Really"Demyx asked as his head shot up.

Larxene: What do you think?
Demyx: I’ll be locking myself in my room the whole day, thanks.

"Go see for yourself"Larxene said. Demyx ran past her and went to see what wa under the tree.

Axel: It was... WALUIGI!

He quickly unwrapped the gift and smiled when he noticed it was some new strings for his sitar.

Demyx: Uh, thanks for the gift, Not-Larxene, but no thanks. My sitars can fix their own strings.
Larxene: Where the hell would anyone get those things, anyway?
Axel: The eBay Between Worlds?

"Thank you so much Larxene"Demyx said hugging her which caught her off guard but much to her surprise she didn't mind.

Demyx and Larxene: *lean away from each other*
Axel: *internal snickering*

"Merry Christmas Demyx"Larxene said hugging him back.

Larxene: *gagging noises*
Demyx: I feel insulted.
Larxene: No kidding.
Axel: Alright, kiddies, what did we learn today?
Demyx: I am a five year old and I get no respect. Neither does Leonard Cohen, apparently.
Larxene: If I didn’t have any reason to dislike the holidays, I sure as hell have one now.
Axel: Watching you two get your characterizations butchered up for mindless Christmas glurge was the best thing I’ve seen all day.
Demyx: And that’s all, folks. Can I go now? I hear ‘Death of a Ladies’ Man’ calling my name.
Larxene: Whatever. I’m gonna go find Marluxia and play Cards Against Humanity with him or something.
Demyx: *interest * Cards Against Humanity? Can I play too?
Larxene: *scoff* Don’t even bother, Demyx. Go cry over Santa Claus or whatever the hell you do.
Demyx: *smirks* You’re just worried I’m this close to beating your high score, admit it.
Larxene: Ha! Like you ever could!
Demyx: Try me!
Axel: You know what other song I heard calling your name? ‘A Thousand Kisses Dee—’
*SPLASH!* *ZAP!*
Axel: *cough hack cough* I hate you two so much right now.
Demyx: You know, if you don’t want to keep getting your ass kicked, you could always stop saying those things!
Axel: What can I say? I enjoy messing with you assholes! *tries to get up, sudden pain, collapses* Dammit.
Larxene: *kicks Axel in the face* Let’s just get outta here, I’ve dealt with enough stupidity for one day.
Demyx: You don’t have to tell me twice!
Larxene: And just for the record, you are not beating my high score.
Demyx: *shrugs, little smirk* We’ll see.

The two warp out, leaving a charred and damp Axel to suffer the silence of the Sporking Theater alone.

Axel: Aw, screw it, Management. *cough*Ow.

Someone please rec me good DemLarx after this ;___;